The Five Love Languages

February 27, 2025

Have you ever planned something special for your spouse, expecting them to light up with joy, only for it not to land the way that you wanted? Or maybe you’re longing for a heartfelt ‘I love you,’ but instead, they wash your car and think that says it all. Love is a beautiful thing, but sometimes, it feels like we’re speaking different languages! If you’ve ever wondered why your efforts don’t always land the way you expect, you’re not alone.

This is where the concept of love languages comes in — a simple yet powerful tool to help couples understand how to love and be loved in a way that truly makes your significant other flourish.

If you've never heard of the five love languages, or maybe you have - but you have never looked at them in depth - this is for you! Sometimes it can feel like the five love languages is simply another online quiz or phase - until you see someone close to come to life and thrive when you start applying them.

Dr. Gary Chapman introduced the idea of The Five Love Languages, revealing that not everyone feels loved in the same way. In fact, the way you naturally express love may not be the way your spouse needs to receive love.

Let’s dive into each love language, explore practical ways to apply them in marriage, and unpack the surprising difference between how we love to give vs. how we need to receive.

The Five Love Languages & How to Apply Them in Marriage

1. Words of Affirmation: The Power of Encouraging Words

Some people feel most loved when they hear spoken or written words of love and encouragement. If this is your spouse’s love language, silence can feel like distance, and criticism can cut deeply.

Speak life—tell your spouse what you admire about them.
Send a heartfelt message or leave a handwritten note.
Pray over them out loud, declaring God’s promises.
Compliment them in front of others.

“The tongue has the power of life and death.” (Proverbs 18:21) Your words build up or tear down - choose them wisely.

2. Acts of Service: Love in Action

For some, love is best expressed through actions, not words. A thoughtful act - making coffee in the morning, taking care of a chore, or running an errand - can mean more than a thousand “I love you’s.”

Do a household task your spouse usually handles.
Make them a meal or bring them a cup of coffee.
Offer to help when they’re overwhelmed.
Show small gestures of care - like warming up their car on a cold morning.

Jesus modeled servant-hearted love (John 13:14-15). Love isn’t just something you feel - it’s something you do.

3. Quality Time: Undivided Attention = Deep Connection

In a world of distractions, some people feel most loved when they have your full, focused attention. For them, being present matters more than gifts or words.

Plan regular date nights (even at home).
Put away your phone and have deep conversations.
Spend intentional time together - pray, take a walk, cook a meal.
Give eye contact and listen when they speak.
Make time for "bankie tyd" (bench time). Set aside 10-15 minutes each day as a checkpoint to connect with your spouse - ask about their day, how they’re feeling, and simply be present. No distractions, no multitasking, just a moment to truly connect and foster intentionality between you and your spouse.

Jesus was fully present with those He loved. Slowing down and giving your undivided attention is an intentional way to reflect God’s love in your marriage.

4. Physical Touch: The Power of Connection

For some, touch is the ultimate love language. This isn't only about intimacy in marriage which also plays an important part, but small physical gestures like a warm hug, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the arm can go a long way to making them feel loved!

Give spontaneous hugs, kisses, or cuddles.
Hold hands while walking or praying.
Offer a back rub or a comforting touch after a long day.
Make physical affection part of your daily rhythm.

Jesus frequently used touch to heal, comfort, and connect. Sometimes, a simple loving touch says more than words ever could.

5. Gifts: Thoughtfulness in a Tangible Form

If your spouse lights up at unexpected gifts, this doesn’t mean they’re materialistic but it means they see gifts as a symbol of love and thoughtfulness.

Surprise them with a small, meaningful gift.
Write them a letter or create a scrapbook of special memories.
Bring them their favourite coffee or treat.
Celebrate special moments (and even ordinary ones) with a thoughtful gesture.

God is the ultimate gift-giver (James 1:17). Giving is a reflection of His generosity and love.

Giving Love vs. Receiving Love: The Unexpected Difference

Here’s where things get interesting: the way you naturally give love might not be the way you need to receive love.

For example:

💡 You might show love through Acts of Service but crave love through Words of Affirmation.

💡 Your spouse might express love through Physical Touch but feel most loved with Quality Time.

This is where selfless love comes in. It’s not about giving love the way that feels natural for you, but about giving love the way your spouse actually needs it. A simple conversation or even filling in the online quiz below can help you figure out your significant others love language. Be intentional and inquisitive about identifying their love language and make it part of a fun conversation or make it part of your next date night! (And if you're looking for more date night ideas, click the link below!

date night ideas

1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “Love does not insist on its own way.” True love means putting your spouse’s needs before your own and choosing to love them how they best receive it.

Love is a Lifelong Learning Process

Understanding your spouse’s love language isn’t about getting it perfect every time. It is about choosing to love them intentionally, day by day.

Just like gold and silver are refined through fire, our marriages are refined through the daily choices we make to love, serve, and cherish one another.

So today, ask yourself: How can I love my spouse better?

Not just the way that comes naturally to me, but in the way that truly makes them feel seen, valued, and loved.